Difficult For Some
Easy For Others
While staying with a good friend, he and I began talking about past relationships and came to the mutual conclusion that relationships aren’t worth it a majority of the time. People either pretend to be someone they are not or they show you exactly who they are, and it isn’t compatible with who you are. This friend is a gay man I have known for over fifteen years. We have always gotten along and have never had drama. However, we are both also aware that we are not relationship material for each other. As a result of strictly a platonic relationship, we have never argued, never been jealous, never even disagreed, really.
In an effort to pull me out of this rut, or at least distract me from the wide range of emotions I am feeling, he invited one of his friends over. This friend of his lives in a different state, but can make it here in an hour flat. Impressive considering he lives about 2 hours away. I told my friend that I was not interested in having a one-night stand, no matter how much this friend of his was physically my type. So, a conversation was had in which my friend told his friend not to have any expectations, but he also sent him a few photos of me, which the friend apparently liked because he still came.
When the friend arrived, I packed a bowl and smoked a little grass while we all conversed about current events, recent personal events, and how our day had been. This guy has long, curly, highlighted hair, a pair of red, large-framed, geeky glasses, and a toned, twink body due to hitting the gym several times a week. In short, I found him very attractive. I was surprised at how well my friend actually knows my type when it comes to the physical attributes of a gay man. I used to live in the same place as this guy, which gave us a lot to talk about. For one, we both worked at LGBTQIA clubs and bars there. Me years ago, he currently. We know many of the same people.
The conversation was good and surprisingly void of flirtation at first. The only exception being his intense eye contact. It was clear to everyone present that he liked what he saw. This made me feel strange. I had no intentions of sleeping with him, and I didn’t, but he was interested. This was confirmed the morning after by giving me his number and sending me a message asking me if I would ever be interested in hanging out one-on-one.
Mind you, I did everything in my power to turn him off in conversation. I mentioned a recent breakup. I mentioned I was still hung up on my ex. I mentioned that I don’t really hook up. That I have a kid, that I am having financial struggles.. It wasn’t self-sabotage because I had no intention of sleeping with him. It was more to make sure he knew I wasn’t. He spent the night. My friend lay on one side, me on the other, and this guy in the middle.
We cuddled and all fell fast asleep, sleeping through the night, which is something I never do. At some point just before six a.m., I was awakened by his touch. He pressed his lips to mine and began kissing me. I pulled away, got up, grabbed my phone, and went into the bathroom. After taking a leak, brushing my teeth, and taking a few deep breaths, I returned to the bedroom. My friend was still fast asleep, and his friend was still in the middle, lying silently.
He was wearing only a solid black jockstrap. His tanned skin shimmering from the massage oil my friend had rubbed him down with while I texted friends about how messy my breakup had been and how much I still cared for my ex. Don’t get me wrong, this guy my friend invited was very attractive. This friend of mine was well-versed in my type, but all I could really think about was my ex. This experience would have been a great way to finish off Pride Month, but I had spent most of the month with someone else, and I had not wanted it to end with anyone else.
I got back into the bed. After a few moments of his continued efforts to kiss me, touch my chest and smell my neck, I whispered “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m not in the headspace; you’re beautiful, though.” He smiled gently, turned away from me, grabbed my arm, and wrapped it around him. I had been fine with the cuddling, so we went back to that, and he fell asleep in my arms while my friend slept soundly on the opposite side.
This morning I awoke to an apology from my ex. However, it was followed by passive aggression, insults, catty remarks, and statements about what someone else has said about me. He had read something in one of my articles that he missed, something he didn’t like. I am unsure of what exactly, and I will probably never know, but the result was our social media separation. Could things get any worse? I am trying so hard to forgive and be his friend. But I have to express myself and be honest in doing so. It feels like he only cares for himself, and I understand that. That is a lot of people. But being mean to me when I have given no legitimate reason to be mean? He has given me sound reason, but I continue to choose not to.
After my friend's out-of-town buddy left, he added me on social media while he was on the road home. I have no desire to date him or anyone. I have no desire to sleep with him, though he is fine; I just want people to talk to, to game with, to experience things with. Gay men far too often make everything about sex. Well, this pansexual man doesn’t get down like that. My choice. I still make hot content. But I’m not on Grindr or Substack looking for a new dick every night. That subculture is so sad. Get to know people. Whether you undress or not.
Because this guy and I know so many of the same people, I think we will definitely be friends. It’s nice to feel wanted, but feeling discarded trumps it every time. I’m not negative or pessimistic; it just takes my brain a bit longer to adjust and my heart a little longer to let go. On the bright side, I’ve made a new friend who is way out of my league, and he seems genuine and cool. He has to be if he is my friend’s friend and comes highly recommended. I wish for “new” in the coming months. New friends, new city, new doctors, and a fresh start.
After talking with my best friend, I have decided to move in with him and his wife following my recovery from surgery. Most likely, at the end of August. In the meantime, I’m learning about the city, gathering info on hospitals to transfer my records to, and talking to my co-parent about everything. I am just trying to love and care for my kid and family, have new experiences, make content, and create art. Some of you (family included) make that very hard when it doesn’t have to be. Consistency, Integrity, Honesty, Mindfulness, Boundaries, and Empathy. None of those are that difficult… for me. Which is how I know they are very difficult for some. What is difficult for some is easy for others. I can’t turn off my feelings to hook up with a hot guy after a breakup. For some, that is exactly what they look for! It’s ‘on to the next one” for so many people because Snapchat and the like have made it so easy to have infinite options. Nobody actually gets to know one another anymore. Nobody loves one another anymore. I happily (and sadly) defy this societal trend.
Hang in there bud