We Do What We Can

When Life Hands You Lemons...

🍋Dating: It’s weird getting on dating and hook-up apps with legitimately no intentions of hooking up whatsoever. I am an attractive guy. If I weren’t, my inboxes wouldn’t stay full. However, I am not like most guys. I don’t chase superficial, empty experiences to cope with childhood trauma or not liking myself. I have other methods of dealing with such things. I don’t need validation from strangers regarding my appearance. I know what I look like. I accept what I look like. Even if the person hitting on me is very attractive to me, I still don’t give it the same energy as the majority of both gay and heterosexual men.

Compliments on my appearance don’t make me melt. Compliments about who I am do. You can’t give those to a photo of somebody’s torso.

I need conversation. I need trust. I need vulnerability. I need more than “Hey, you’re hot.” I need more than a one-night stand, unless it’s acting/content. I need to connect. I think I am going to delete all the apps. I only got back on to see just how quickly my ex had. Waking up to 50 messages from strangers when you only one to hold one familiar is depressing and pathetic.

🍋Health news: I have surgery soon and have no way to the procedure, nobody to stay with me, nobody to be there when I wake up, and nobody to drive me home afterwards, and no home to go to afterwards. These are things my ex had promised me, which took the edge off the anxiety surrounding it all. Now you can add it to the list of rapid and intense emotions I am feeling. I have a total of seven appointments in the next sixty days.

🍋Housing: I have a friend I can stay with five days a week. So once I figure out the remaining two, I will at least not be roaming the streets or at a shelter. I still haven’t decided against moving in with my best friend and his wife. I have no idea what to expect or what emotions I will feel. I would also have to find new doctors and learn to navigate a large new city in a new state. This will more than double my travel time to get my son. However, my best friend is an amazing guy, and his wife is wonderful. They have a house and no children. It’s exciting and terrifying. I’ve never turned down an opportunity to leave this region of the country.

🍋July: Independence Day doesn’t mean shit to me, but it is my turn to have my son, and I was supposed to also go to a family cookout with my ex. And of course, I have 3 appointments, including surgery. This summer has already been a wild ride. I am just trying not to fall off before it ends.

🍋Content: I will at least be able to write more. Surgery will keep me from doing much else. So expect these updates more frequently for a while. I will also try to update all my galleries on Substack with new photos and art. I also still have one video of my ex and me, which hasn’t been edited and added to our OnlyFans accounts. It’s too tender a subject for now, but it will eventually find its way up. If you’ve never seen my content, give it a shot. OnlyFans

🍋Finances: I have an inheritance coming around tax time next year. It isn’t much, but maybe enough to get wheels again. If I move, it will be soon, as I cannot stay living like this. Getting a car/van/RV next year will also be beyond helpful. I’m living at this point on OnlyFans money and the help of friends. If you can help, please donate to my GoFundMe.

Life hands me lemons, but at this point, I have made lemon tarts, lemon sorbet, lemon pie, and lemonade.

Thank you all. -MB

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