Why I Avoid Gay Men

The Short List

AGE 0-14
[REDACTED]

AGE 15-17
When I came out as bisexual at fifteen years old, I was sent to conversion therapy, where a bunch of old, creepy, lying men preyed on young boys and pretended to be turned straight by god. Some even had wives. It was horrible, but only the beginning of my experiences with gay men.

When I was sixteen, I met a drag queen outside of a local gay bar one night while I was roaming the streets. I left home often at night because I don’t sleep, and home life was beyond traumatizing. So I would venture to late-night arcades. Gaming arcades, not the adult arcades… Anyway, as I said, I met the drag queen outside of a bar, and we became fast friends.

Eventually, she and others started sneaking me into the bar. I would mostly stay backstage, talk to the queens, help them get ready, and hang out. I was ( and still am) pretty straight-edge. I didn’t drink, do drugs, or have sex. All I did was spend time backstage with the drag queens. This went on for years at two different bars where some of the queens I befriended worked.

One night after the show, I rode with one of those queens back to another queen’s house. It was a couple, one of whom does drag, and they also had a hideous little white long-haired Chihuahua called Angel. The queen with whom I rode to their house had a booty call waiting elsewhere, so after a short time, she left and told me she would be back for me later.

As soon as she left, the couple started flirting and handed me a beverage that I now know was laced. I was 16 years old and did not drink. I had only taken two tiny sips before one of the two said: “Stop nursing that and drink it!” His partner said something similar, and I took two normal-sized sips to get them off my back. The next several hours are a blur with moments of clarity.

These two adult men took me back to their bedroom and sexually assaulted me. This included anal sex, being probed with various objects, including a massive dildo. I remember telling them to stop and that it hurt, only for them to laugh, smile, and tell me to “man up” and take it. It was terrifying, but I could barely speak and was in and out of consciousness.

Those two men now lead a major LGBTQIA charity organization. This experience shaped how I view gay men, intimacy, and relationships from that night forward. I never felt safe around the two of them and made sure to stay around other people when they were present. This was not the first time someone had sexually assaulted me, but it was the first time I was drugged and the first time I bottomed. In my life, I have bottomed only six times; three of which were against my will.

When I turned 17, I met a guy my age, and we started dating. His parents were gay. His biological father had divorced his mom, came out, and then found a partner. Because of this, I was allowed to sleep over, hang out, etc. Only his father started hitting on me. He knew I didn’t sleep, so he would “check in” on my boyfriend and me throughout the night. My boyfriend would be asleep, and I’d be watching TV. He started coming out of his room wearing only an open housecoat. He stood uncomfortably close, fully exposing himself while he whispered things like, “Would you like something to drink? and “Do you want to come watch a movie with my partner and me in our bedroom?”

I tried telling my boyfriend, but he dismissed it—multiple times. One day, while he and I were sleeping over at one of his friends’ houses, he left me in a spare bedroom and went to sleep in a different room with his friend… door shut and locked… and that was that. I broke things off the next morning and never spoke to the evil bastard or his father again. Good riddance. Why even invite me in the first place?

AGE 21-27
In my twenties, I had two boyfriends for the vast majority of the time. No, not at the same time. I was never a hook-up guy. I never had a ho phase. I’ve had friends with benefits, but even hooking up in that way was infrequent.
Both of the guys I dated long term in my twenties were extremely toxic, but I wouldn’t fully figure that out until much later. One was a closeted alcoholic. I helped him come out, and when he did… he became the town hole. Cheated, lied, contracted STIs, all the things. He got us kicked out of bars for his drinking numerous times, wrecked cars, and treated me appallingly. One night, while he and I were out at a small gay bar, he got way too drunk to drive. When I refused to give him his keys, he called me the N-word.

I had already been physically assaulted and called the n-word by the previous guy I had dated, and just like last time, I ended it. Years later, I discovered he had pretty much continued the same patterns, wrecking cars, getting STIs, drinking himself sloppy, getting kicked from bars, etc. Sometimes a hot mess stays a hot mess. I don’t revel in it, but I also can’t say I am surprised, and for him, at least—I won’t be shedding tears anytime soon.

The major positive in my twenties was the few platonic gay male friends I made. Taking sex and romance out of the equation is so cool. Far too many gays would know nothing about that thought, because they sleep with all their friends. It’s like some weird hazing ritual. Factor in Snapchat and Grindr, and you’ve got a community that is incapable of commitment because they have too many options. Even married gay men cheat like it’s their job or have non-monogamous marriages. As if adding additional sex and drama will somehow fix what’s broken.

AGE 30-33
Already deeply scarred by what had happened to me as a child and as a teen, followed by two long-term relationships with highly toxic people (one of which is STILL highly toxic to this day), I stayed single for awhile. Eventually meeting a guy who hid his coke addiction from me for the entirety of our two-year relationship. Dumped him and moved back to my home state, where I met a student working on his doctorate in clinical psychology. We hit it off famously, and eventually, I gave him a ring, and he said yes. Well, he turned out to be a cheating, narcissistic sociopath. I guess he got into psychology to understand himself. I got out of there and took the ring with me.

AGE 34-40
I have left out all the women and short-term relationships to focus on a few very specific ones. At 34, I started hanging out with an old boss from years prior, and we hit it off, eventually moving to Nashville together. We were together for 5 years before deciding that friendship is best. He is the only ex that I consider a good friend to this day, and he was never problematic. We even continued living together. Eventually, I met a transgender man, and we fell madly in love, even planning a child. At the very beginning of 2023, our son was born. The combination of restarting hormones while experience post-pardom, made my ex very aggressive. He was eventually arrested, and I was forced to take our son and move back to my home state. We now have shared custody, but are no longer together.

Age 43
Three years have passed. I’ve been single the entire time. Not dating. Not hooking up (except for adult content purposes) and not even wanting to date again, ever again. But then I met someone online. We chatted via Scruff app and eventually met at an art show back in May. We spent all of Pride Month together, my birthday included. The red flags were plentiful, but I still gave it my best shot. Here’s what all happened in one month:

- I found out he was still texting other men on the regular.
- Lied about breaking up with his previous boyfriend.
- Spent the night with him and took Polaroids.
- Introduced me to his sugar daddy, who used the n-word in my presence several times. He told me this 79-year-old man was his uncle!
- One of this sugar daddy’s other sugar babies showed up and held a knife to my boyfriend’s throat.
- Everything he ever said was glazed with fiction like a fresh Krispy Kreme donut.
- Anytime I’ve tried to express how I feel or sought some degree of accountability from him, it was met with hostility and meanness.

When we broke up, I asked him to return my favorite hat and other garments. He has had an excuse as to why he cannot do it every day since we split. He was on Scruff literally the same day we broke up. Dude is a full-blown pathological liar and a whore. Before you say I shouldn’t slut shame, I do what I want. Obviously, I am sex positive, but a spade is still a spade andI’m allowed ot be angry. Sexual freedom and positivity don’t mean that a person isn’t spiralling in hypersexuality or full-blown sex addiction. I’ve been nice and kind to him despite everything, but now I am done. He is lucky I am not more graphic and detailed in this post. Call it one last show of grace, which I am certain he would not have shown to me.

So, when people ask me why I avoid gay men like the plague, the list is impossibly long and includes drug addiction, sex addiction, pedophilia, racism, sexism, ableism, narcissism, alcoholism, cheating, lying, using, stealing, and STIs, to name a few. And while gay men do not have a monopoly on that list, gay men are disproportionately affected by a majority of it. I have lived it for 30 years now and counting. This post leaves out the bar fights, stealing, and other horrors. It focuses on the things that most influenced my dating and friendships. I am done breaking for people who won’t even bend for me.

So, if you want to set me up with someone, don’t.
And if you think I’m too much, go find less.

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